


Sleepy Stories

by ifonlyiwaswittier



Series: Unrelated Eruri [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Truckers, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Insecurity, Levi is the trucker btw, M/M, Teen Angst, Teenagers, Trans Character, Trans Erwin Smith, Trans Male Character, Underage Drinking, Yeah I know but just go with it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-04-22 04:08:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14300454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifonlyiwaswittier/pseuds/ifonlyiwaswittier
Summary: A collection of short things from my Tumblr.(Mostly written half asleep.)





	1. Liminal Space

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings by chapter.
> 
> Tumblr: @ellswritesthings. Come yell about eruri with me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trucker AU absolutely no one asked for.

Erwin sees him through the rolled down window of a semi truck, a cigarette held loosely in his hand, a thousand mile stare. The cab of truck is dim but the harsh neon light of the rest stop McDonald’s sign gives Erwin just enough light to make out sharp features from where he’s filling up his Sedan. Suddenly such a little car feels stupid compared to an eighteen-wheeler, no matter how many miles it gets to the gallon.

A quick check of his hair in the side mirror (only to discover that twelve hours of driving had done him no favors) and he takes his first step toward the trucker- steps back, then decides  _ to hell with it _ before approaching. The closer he got the more details he could make out, the thin eyebrows and sharp nose and inky black hair. 3am was not a kind time to any travelers, especially not on a small, empty highway like this and the bags under the man’s eyes attested to that, but something about him was painfully familiar.

He looks like a doppelganger of someone Erwin’s never known.

“Can I bum a smoke?” Erwin asks when the man tears his eyes away from nothing to look over.

He’s met with glam rock buzzing through the rest stop’s blown out speakers and a shrug. But the man holds out a pack anyway. Erwin gratefully accepts a light, belatedly remembering he quit smoking years ago, and he’s halfway through sealing the deal on returning to a bad habit when the man speaks up.

“I’m Levi.”

Erwin smiles. “Nice to meet you, Levi.” The name tastes familiar on his tongue. “Where are you headed?”


	2. Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some days Levi wants Erwin to bruise him, to do to his body what was done to his heart, to mark him and make him possessed.

Some days Levi wants Erwin to bruise him, to do to his body what was done to his heart, to mark him and make him possessed.  Levi fears it and craves it in equal parts because this gentleness, while he sure as hell likes it, is new and weird and he's not sure how to return it. He tries to test the limits, push the boundaries and make Erwin finally snap. But as much as Levi annoys, as much as he disobeys, as much as he's just not fucking worthy, Erwin is sure and steady. With Levi, his words never cut and he never raises his hand.

It's confusing and Levi's torn between holding Erwin at arm's length and clinging as tight as he can because he knows this whole thing will end and end bad and end sooner rather than later because nothing in his life has ever lasted. He knows he's going to fuck it up but he's just not sure whether pushing or pulling right now will make it hurt less when he does.

He thinks about this while they're lying in bed after a few drinks with Hange and Mike. There's nothing to do, nothing crashing and burning, and it's pleasant but the idleness makes him nervous. Erwin is curled around him, tracing mindless patterns on Levi's shoulder, and Levi feels safe and wanted and he whispers,

"I'm not sure..." He trails off.

Erwin's hand stops. "Not sure of what?"

Levi huffs a sigh. He wishes he was like Erwin, that it wasn't so hard to find the right words. "You're so... good."

"Debatable," Erwin chuckles.

"Fine then. You're good to me," Levi pauses. Erwin's hand flattens to cup the curve of his shoulder in silent reassurance. "I don't know how to be good to you."

"Levi," Erwin says with that goddamn gentleness. He rustles in the sheets until his face is in Levi's line of sight. Levi's surprised to see he looks confused and concerned in equal parts.

"Levi, I..." Maybe his words don't come so easy either. Levi briefly wonders if there are tears in Erwin's eyes or if it's a trick of the low light but then Erwin is kissing him and Levi tastes salt. Levi isn't really sure why Erwin's crying and both their lips are chapped and there's the taste of bitter ale still caught on their tongues but Levi loves it anyway. He loves Erwin anyway.

"You're already so good to me," Erwin mutters against Levi's lips. "So, so good."


	3. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi wakes up in the middle of the night, Erwin's name strangled, crammed into a scream, rushing off his tongue like dirty dishwater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little too dark for my Tumblr so Ao3 exclusive I guess?
> 
> Reincarnation AU, mentions of past self harm and mentions of a past suicide attempt.

Levi wakes up in the middle of the night, Erwin's name strangled, crammed into a scream, rushing off his tongue like dirty dishwater. He rarely remembers the night terrors but Erwin's knows. Erwin knows from the way Levi's clammy hands clutch his right arm like a life preserver, the way his sobs drown out the gentle hum of the air conditioner. He cries a litany of _I'm sorry I'm sorry_ when he's done absolutely nothing wrong.

Erwin whispers it back.

_(I'm sorry I'm sorry too_ ).

Levi's hands run over Erwin's thighs, over the self made criss-crosses, so faded with age but Levi knows. Levi knows because he was there, they remembered all the shit from before together, and Levi would never blame Erwin, God he'd never blamed Erwin, and it was only in the dead of night, decades later and under the guise of waking nightmares, that Levi would let himself push his face against the thick, silvered scar on Erwin's wrist and cry.

_I almost lost you._

Admittedly, Erwin isn't sure which time he's referring to. The guilt from things he'd never done in this reality, the guilt created by a war from a past life, had been too strong and Erwin had landed himself in the hospital for weeks. He thinks that maybe this guilt is even worse.

_It's okay. I'm here._

Levi's digs his nails into Erwin's skin and then digs in even harder. Erwin realizes why with a shudder. He digs his nails to make sure Erwin isn't glass, isn't made of cool hard marble of a statue raised to commemorate the great tragedy of what could never be, won't slip through his hands like the salty sludge of mud from the beach.


	4. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi knows anger is easy, much easier than loss or grief or sadness.

Levi knows anger is easy, much easier than loss or grief or sadness. He’s known this since he crouched besides his mother’s dead body, known it since he held a knife to Erwin’s throat, and he learns this lesson again with painful clarity the day they leave Shiganshina.

He lets the anger settle into the house of his body, no longer a home without Erwin, and it’s easy to feel so he gives it a pillow and a sheet for the sofa, then gladly leaves the master bedroom when it demands that instead. It rips at the foundations, the support beams of the ceilings and the bricks of the walls, so he rises earlier and earlier, trains harder and harder, to strengthen what he knows he cannot keep; his body belongs to the anger now and Levi is simply a guest.

One day Levi wakes up and the doors are locked from the outside. He finds himself wandering the empty halls, running his fingers along the cracks left in the walls and wonders why it’s so much worse to feel nothing at all.

He stays in bed for longer than he’d like to admit before remembering that anger is easier to feel than depression or fear. He fumes when Hange tries to get him fitted for the new gear, scowls at the brats that aren’t really brats anymore for no good reason at all, yells at the cadets that suddenly swarm headquarters because trying to make them cleaner, faster,  _ better _ is easier than wondering why the hell they couldn’t have been here to help before. He says nothing during the meetings where they discuss Marley and strategy, the meetings where he can hardly hear anything around the ringing of  _ kill the Beast Titan _ in his ears. He sits in silence and lets his anger burn the sharp, twisted petals of hope that try to bloom in his chest at the thought of fulfilling his promise.

After years of burning just so he can feel anything at all, he goes to Shiganshina to bring Erwin home. It’s fall and the air is cool, almost damp, and it’s been forever since he’s felt anything but scalding hot bathwater that does nothing to make him clean.

“Hey,” he says, leaning against the door frame. It’s a replaying of a scene they’ve run so many times, Levi bringing late night cups of tea or midday kisses or a duster and fake exasperation. There is nothing of the man that used to steal the show, used to steal his breath, there in that pile of bones but he kneels by the bed and whispers his lines anyway, so quiet they barely rustle the peace that’s finally settled over Erwin.

Later, when he walks down the stairs, box tightly sealed and firmly held, he’s surprised to find he’s not angry at all. He feels hollow, empty. His insides are like a tank siphoned as dry as the bones he carries.


	5. Lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's been in the Survey Corps for two years when he notices there's a rough patch on the inside of his bottom lip.

He's been in the Survey Corps for two years when he notices there's a rough patch on the inside of his bottom lip. His mom had always said he was a worrier but he never really saw it, always thought he'd been a happy kid. Now that he's a Squad Leader though, he finds himself biting the inside of his lip to hide his nerves more often than he'd like to admit.

It embarrasses him. The few nights Mike manages to drag him to the taverns in town, he doesn't let anyone get too close. He tells Mike that he's still not over Marie. Mike doesn't seem to believe it but he doesn't ask any questions and Erwin would never admit that he doesn't want to risk anyone kissing him and noticing that rough patch of skin.

When Erwin drags Levi into his life, he suddenly forgets a lot of things. He forgets that he prefers coffee to tea, forgets that he'd rather to go to Sina alone, forgets his pledge to never love. He forgets the rough skin inside his bottom lip too until Levi's lips are on his own. For a second, he wants to explain, to justify, to lie and say his lip scarred over in a childhood fall, a training accident, anything else.

But Levi says nothing and keeps kisses with a tender desperation that makes Erwin forget all over again.


	6. Kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's never sure what to do with Erwin's kindness.

Levi's never sure what to do with Erwin's kindness. Like sunshine, it's strange and he hates it and craves it in equal parts. While Erwin's affection, his gentle hands, his praise, are bright and warm, they also burn, turning Levi's skin angry and pink.

Every heartfelt murmur of thanks or pleasure or happiness building like a pressure inside him, adding a drop to his already overflowing cup. He decides he doesn't like being desired and he sure as hell doesn't like desiring either.

Late one night, Levi smashes a teacup in Erwin's office. He throws it against the wall to just to let the damn pressure out, to end this on his own terms because everything he's ever desired has been taken away like storm clouds swallowing the sun and he can't do that again, not this time. Erwin looks up from his paperwork, startled, but Levi is slamming the door to the office before he can say anything.

Levi comes back the next morning, uniform fresh and eyes tired, to get some paperwork signed. He tells himself that's all he's there to do- get the paperwork signed and get out. He opens the door and the glass is gone and there's a new broom tucked away in the corner and he's not sure what to do, how to not fuck it up, how to be worth keeping.

He's humble enough to admit that he's scared.

Levi tenses when Erwin looks up at him and smiles. It looks like the clouds parting to reveal the golden light of day.


	7. Nervous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin's nervous (transwin AU)

He’s nervous. The feeling sits in his chest for the three days he has to wait for injection training. It’s impenetrable and he can’t tease out any of the threads and he’s not sure why he feels this way at all when he’s wanted this for years so he doesn’t give it words, doesn’t let it become real, and it sears the inside of his throat like he’s swallowed the core of the earth. He can barely speak around the molten magma to tell Levi not to make a it a big deal.

It’s important, he says but it's only one baby step of many. Before they know it, they’ll be back in the easy routine they’d developed since Erwin moved in two years ago-- sharing gentle kisses before Levi leaves for work, talking about Levi’s new apprentice at his tattoo shop or Erwin’s progress on his new book as they cook dinner, quietly eating bowls of cereal at midnight before falling asleep to the ocean noises on Levi’s phone.

While they wait, the rest of him feels so light, so intangible, he’s almost grateful for the heavy weight of his own anxiety. He’s not sure if the idea that nothing will change overnight is distressing or soothing but he clings to it anyway. Baby steps.

The drive to the clinic is bright and sunny, a pleasant change from the past few days of cloud cover. Erwin tells himself it’s a good sign. He’s never been one to believe in signs at all but he needs it, not quite sure if he’s bouncing his leg from excitement or nerves or both. Levi reaches across the center console, puts a hand on Erwin’s thigh, and squeezes.

“Don't vomit in the car, okay?” he says, voice gentle in a way Erwin knew was reserved just for him. It makes his heart ache, too full of affection, but he scoffs in response.

“Says the guy who threw up on the drive back from Six Flags.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “That hot dog was bad and you know it.”

He keeps his hand on Erwin’s thigh for the rest of the drive but when they pull into the parking lot, Erwin has to keep himself from shaking it off and throwing the door open before the car is even in park. The tightness in his throat finally feels ready to burst even though it’s just a baby step and he’s scared he’ll either choke or drift away on the cool spring breeze and he’s not sure which one would be worse-

“Hey, big guy,” Levi calls after him as he leans against the car door, arms crossed. “Come here for a sec.”

He wants to say no, say that he’s so close, finally so close. He wants to say that it's not that big of a deal, not to make it a big deal, but he has a sneaking feeling that’s not really true, never has been.

“What is it?” he asks instead. Levi unfolds his arms, folds them again, then thinks better of it and wraps a hand around the back of Erwin's neck, guiding him into a kiss.

“I love you,” he murmurs against Erwin's lips.

Erwin feels heat in his cheeks, squirms, but Levi holds him steady so he says,

“It's just a baby step.”

“I know,” Levi smiles, it's gentle but still so wide it shows his crooked bottom teeth. “But I'm still so happy for you.”

As a nurse guides the two of them to an exam room behind a set of swinging double doors, Erwin is glad for Levi’s hand on his shoulder, convinced it’s the only thing keeping him from floating away. The halls are bustling but with a quick  _ someone will be with you in a moment _ , they’re alone again. He bites at his nails, a nervous habit he’s never been able to shake picking at his cuticles with a singular determination as the clock ticks on.

“Hey,” Levi says, startling him with a hand on his cheek. Nothing about his face betrays his true feelings except his eyes, so full of a calm certainty that Erwin finds dripping away with every passing second. “Baby steps, okay?”

Erwin leans into the touch and the ball of magma in his throat bursts. The heat seeps out to his limbs and gathers behind his eyes, liquid like lava flows, and for the first time in days, in weeks, in years, he feels still. He feels heavy and  _ real _ and he never thought that being weighed down could be so freeing.

It’s a baby step, he tells himself. But after years of cruel and bitter want, it’s a warm thing to feel so much joy.


	8. Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi could never say he'd understood the way other people talked about relief.

Levi could never say he'd understood the way other people talked about relief. He couldn't say relief had ever made him go weak in the knees, or lose his breath, or cried with joy. He couldn't say there'd ever been anything good enough in his life to warrant that kind of response.

No. Levi couldn't say he'd ever felt relief like that, not until he saw Erwin being carted into headquarters, unconscious and bleeding and missing a fucking arm but alive. Erwin was beaten and worn and knocking on death's door but, at least for the moment, his heart still beat and his lungs still breathed and he was alive. Erwin was alive.

And suddenly Levi understood.


	9. Walmart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three weeks after Erwin’s dad dies, Levi uses his Pennsylvania fake at the corner store that doesn't look to hard if you only buy beer or wine.

Three weeks after Erwin’s dad dies, Levi uses his Pennsylvania fake at the corner store that doesn't look to hard if you only buy beer or wine. He picks up Erwin and they end up almost a forty-five minutes away, at 24 hour Walmart on the other side of town because Erwin's mom would kill them if she found out they were drinking and Levi’s house… well even Levi doesn’t really know where that’s supposed to be anymore.

Levi throws the car in park, takes the box of cheap rosé from under the backseat, and hands it to Erwin. He remembers belatedly that maybe he should have grabbed a cup or something but Erwin just holds the box above his head with one hand, working the nozzle with the other. 

"Christ, slow down," Levi mumbles. He doesn’t really mean it though. Sometimes people just need this- he knows that much.

It’s not long before Erwin goes completely silent, not that he’s been talking much at all lately. They listen to late night Spanish radio and the sounds of Erwin’s swallows. Levi prays he’ll find the right words to say.

When the last bit of wine is left sloshing loosely in the box cradled in his lap, Erwin puts a hand over his face, knuckles are like distant mountain tops and Levi’s never been one for the outdoors but he’s knows he’d become a mountaineer for Erwin.

"I'm sorry," Erwin says beneath his palm.

"Don't be."

"Levi, I'm sorry," he repeats. Levi shakes his head because  _ it’s okay _ feels so insignificant in the face of Erwin’s grief, the grief he’s only feeling a tiny fraction of. Erwin’s shoulder burns like an effigy through his Spiderman tee shirt. Levi’s not surprised by how violently it's shaking. "I'm sorry."

"Erwin," Levi breathes. He knows his words mean nothing but all he wants is to take Erwin’s pain and hide it in the wells of the Walmart vending machines, stash it away in the dairy aisle or under stacks of prepaid phones because Erwin, who had always been the steadier of the two, was falling apart at the seams and Levi wishes he could be a sewing machine. 

Erwin's leans into Levi. Both of them too big and too small all at once. His body jerks in a rough sob, the sound of it stretched and cracking around, “I'm sorry, I'm too drunk.”

"Don't be sorry," Levi hushes. "How many fucking times have I gotten too drunk?"

This doesn’t seem to be the right answer because Erwin bunches up his fists and groans. "I'm so stupid."

"You're not."

They fall into a silence that’s stretched like thread pulling closed a wound, weaving them together across fluorescent street lamps and staticy salsa songs. Erwin heaves with the force of his grief and Levi is scared he might vomit right into the wheel well.

"I miss my dad," he sobs. His words are thick and misshapen like melting wax. "I miss my dad," he repeats.

Levi thinks of the well attended funeral, thinks of Erwin and his stoicism, thinks of the feeling of Erwin's lips on his when Erwin pressed him again the back wall of their town’s Catholic church and the plummeting disappointment when Erwin wiped his mouth and mumbled  _ I'm just confused _ . He thinks of the friend he'd give anything for, crying in front seat of his 1999 Toyota Corolla, drunk off the wine he'd bought him, and Levi can't give him the one damn thing he wants. Levi knows he can’t give a man like Erwin Smith anything besides shitty alcohol and even shittier condolences.

It takes a while but Erwin cries himself to sleep in Levi's lap and thankfully says nothing when a police officer taps on the window with the butt of her flashlight to tell them to stop loitering.

Levi mutters, "Just our fucking luck," before shifting the car into drive. Erwin watches the passing streetlights with puffy eyes.

Levi thinks Erwin's starting to sober up until the struggle to get up the stairs without waking his mom. Dutifully, he deposits Erwin on the bed and begins working at his shoelaces.

"I've got it," Erwin slurs, batting Levi's hands away. He tries at it for less than a minute before leaning back on his hands and groaning, "I wanna be sober."

"Just wait til morning." Levi says, undressing them both to tee shirts and boxers before settling under the covers, letting the pulsating whir of the ceiling fan wrap around them like blankets. Erwin's fingers find Levi's, winding them together with such tender hesitation that Levi wonders if Erwin's was actually confused that day their lips met, hidden from mourners by the walls of St. Johns Episcopal Church. He whispers,

"My dad's dead, Levi."

Levi squeezes his hand. "I know."

Erwin is falling apart at the seams Levi wishes he knew how to sew. He curls up next to Erwin and hates himself for not having steadier hands.


End file.
